IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME

September 27, 2012 is a day that changed my plans for the year. I as admitted to the hospital and officially put on bed rest for the next seven weeks. If I could turn back time, I wish I could have those seven weeks back. However, those seven weeks is what brought my little girl her safe and healthy.

Tomorrow I will rejoin the real world and become a working mom again. This time a working mom of two kids. I'm very sad for the fact that I've only had Mary home for two weeks. I feel as if I haven't gotten that good time in with her. I did enjoy my two weeks with her and look forward to my time off in the future.

I know tomorrow will be hard, but each day in the future it will get easier. My piece of mind comes in knowing that she will be home with Jack tomorrow. If not mommy, then daddy! Right?

Thank you all for the kind words, the love and support! My 60 kids I know are ready to have me back along with my team! Hopefully they can handle me and my emotional self tomorrow

Please let tonight go slow!

FIRST WEEK HOME..

We have almost made it a full week home as a new family. It has been an amazing week. We didn't think we would survive after night one, but we are officially still standing and not ready to take her back.

Wednesday night brought about a different thing for us. When we came home from the hospital without Mary I was the only one getting up in the middle of the night. Now, we were having to do it with a new baby. It's amazing how much you forget about what goes on with a new born. We did it four years ago, but this time it feels way different. Mary was on a schedule in the NICU and they encouraged us to keep to that schedule. We finished her feed at 11, and went to sleep. She did a great job of going to sleep. Her next feed was at 2, and she didn't go back to sleep. Mary made lots of funny noises that we were not use to. She also didn't eat like we expected her to. Our biggest battle of getting out of the NICU was getting her to eat. Now, I felt as if we were going backwards. We ended up calling the NICU to make sure we were doing things right and that she wasn't going backwards. They told us a few things to try and encouraged us to keep it up. We felt lost. Were we doing it right?

Thursday and Friday didn't bring about any big changes. We were exhausted and it was hard. When we had Maggie 4 years ago we could go back to sleep and got plenty of rest. This time we have a 4 year old to put into the equation and there was no extra rest to be had. We did trade off sleeping in, so that helped. Mary still was not eating well, so again we called the NICU (our 3rd call.) At this point, they probably think we are crazy and wonder why they released her to come home to us.

They suggested we call our pedi and get her a weight check. Our pedi was great and told us to not be worried. She told us that babies have to adjust to their new surroundings. They did allow us to come in for a weight check, and she was doing fine.

Mary is what I call our puzzle. She's on her own schedule. We have finally started to figure her out, noises and all! We should have known she would do her own thing. That's how it has been this whole time.

Our family is in love with this little girl! We can't get enough if her!

OUR JOURNEY HOME..

Don't know why blogger won't let me post any post in paragraphs. I write them in paragraphs. Sorry for the long blog. It all started on Monday the day before Christmas. Jack and I went together to visit Mary and had a long talk with the nurses. Mary had been doing 6 nipple feedings and needed to move up to 8. The nurses felt she was ready for it. We were very excited and ready to see what could happen. Never in a million years did we believe it would happen as fast as it did. We kept calling and checking in after each feed, and she had been very successful. So, for us our hopes for getting closer to home were looking up. It was still a very hard day knowing it was Christmas Eve and we were not going to be going to church as a family and back home to celebrate together. On Christmas morning we got up and did Santa with Maggie. I think each year Santa gets better and better. I know one year that excitement will no longer be the same, but I want to hold on to the joy I see on her face now forever! After we ate breakfast and cleaned up, Jack and I headed to the hospital to which we received our Santa gift. We walked in to find that Mary's tube was no longer in. It had been 40 days since she was born, and seeing her without that tube was the best gift ever. We knew at that point we had 48 hours for her to have successful feeds, and then we could be out of there. Again, we had to leave her to continue to celebrate Christmas. Jack and I would call after each feed to check in. When we called after the 8PM feed we were told our Christmas present would be coming home the next day. We stood in shock and excitement. Could it really be happening, and happening that fast? The morning after Christmas the ground was still covered in ice. We knew we had our car seat test at 1, so I decided to go in for the 11AM feed. When I got there it was as if things started so fast. I feed Mary and then immediately after that she started her car seat test. At that moment I had a complete melt down. As much as I wanted her home, I didn't know if I was ready for it. We had nothing prepared, in our minds we had 48 hours and it was happening faster than expected. The sweet nurses in the NICU really calmed my fears. They knew the right words to say to convince me that we were really ready. I knew we were, but the fear of taking something so fragile home made me a nervous wreck. Mary was to complete a car seat test. She had to sit in the car seat for 2 hours and hold an oxygen level about 90%. During that time I left and went home to get some things wrapped up and ready for her to come home. Jack had done a great job of washing bottles, and setting up our necessary items that we needed. At this point we still didn't have a single diaper in the house for her. Wow, did we have a lot to do. Around 1:30, we got a phone call we didn't want to hear. Mary had failed her car seat test. The only way to get her home was to take another car seat up to the hospital for her to try and let her take the test again. So, almost $200 dollars later Mary has a fancy new car seat that she was able to pass in! It was 5:00PM and we were headed to the hospital to pick up our little girl. It was amazing to see the look on Maggie's face as we rolled out the two double doors of the NICU. Maggie just sat and poked her sisters face. She repeated over and over, " That is my baby sister!" It was amazing that we were about to start our journey as a family of four together. We managed to get home and get settled in. It was time to start our first official night together! Mary's new car seat! She fits so well!

Mary rolling out of the NICU in style!

Maggie meeting her little sister for the first time!

Our first family photo as a family of 4!

CLIMBING THAT MOUNTAIN...

We are now beginning week 5 in the NICU. It is hard to believe that I gave birth 5 weeks ago. For the past 5 weeks, we have been climbing a mountain. Mary has taken off and was a skilled climber. She has really amazed so many with her efforts.

As I stated before, we have several milestones we have to reach. Mary has been that mountain climber that pushed so hard to do so much. Well, I think she has finally tuckered out. She is beginning to tell us that she is still little and needs to slow down. I can't be sad, because she has worked so hard.

Right now Mary has accomplished 4 out of 8 nipples. This is great news. The part that holds her back is finishing those feeds. She starts very strong, but tires out. We also get one really great feed out of her, but then the others are hard work.
It is great to celebrate her success, but I also have to tell myself that she is young and still growing. Right now she should still be inside of me growing. However, all the things she was to learn inside of me, she is having to do on the outside.

It is hard not to get down some days. I come twice a day and feed her, then we cuddle. It's those moments that I treasure. It is hard to walk away, but my duty as a mom calls for me to go to Maggie. Jack then comes home and spends a little time with us before he heads out to be with Mary. I know this is just a short period, but it's really hard. I appreciate all the people who tell me to stay positive and that this too will pass. However, I do need that moment to break down. That moment too will pass!

We might be on a plateau right now, and that is okay. We will eventually over come this too and our feeds will pick up. After that, we should be closer to coming home and all being together.

I'm proud of my family and how we have worked together. We will continue to climb this mountain together and overcome what we are faced with. Again, I'm blessed with so much. I have a healthy 36 weeker and a fun 4 year old!

DAY 21 - WEEK 3

Yesterday was our week 3 birthday, or day 21 stay in the NICU. We have come so far and have accomplished so much. It's just amazing to me how well our little fighter has done!

Mary has task that she has to accomplish before she comes home. Of course the teacher in me is wanting her to be the best student! Although she is doing really well, some task are harder than others.

Many have said that this is a tiny baby and that is easy to deal with. Well, yes Mary is small. However, it's not all about her size. Mary has little milestones she has to accomplish and learn. This is where it gets hard, because you want her to do them fast!

Mary's todo list:

1) Mary has to maintain her own body temperature. She has done wonderful with this. She is now out of her bed and able to be in an open crib! This was an easy task to pass. I think she runs hot naturally like her daddy and sister.

2) Mary has to complete 8 bottle feeds a day with out a tube in her stomach. She is doing 4! They usually don't start trying until they are 34 weeks old, but she showed signs at week 33. Overall she does a good job, but she tires out pretty easy on this task. If she completes a feed great, if not they finish through the tube.

3) She will have to pass a carseat test. This will be closer to us getting home. When we talk about that you know we will be excited!

4) She can't have any Brady's. These are the episodes when her heart rate drops below 80. Jack and I have witnessed this for the first time. She turns gray and her eyes roll back in her head. It is a very scary feeling to watch and see. Part of this is her maturity. She will have to learn to suck, swallow and breath while she eats. If she has a Brady as we get closer to home, it sets us back 5 days.

Overall, Mary is the princess of the NICU. The nurses love her and fight over her. All the boys in the NICU have high demands, and Mary makes things pretty easy!

Jack and I are very blessed. We have two beautiful daughters and can't wait to finally have Mary home. We don't have a time frame, but keep praying that it is pretty soon. I'm just hoping its before the New Year so I get some time home with her before I return to work! However, if that is not the plan I'll understand and know she's in the best place.

Thank you to everyone who has been part of our journey. We are very lucky to have so many people fighting and cheering for us. Again, we are blessed in so many ways.

THANKFUL- DAY 30

Wow, thirty days of blogging for me! That might just be a record. I have actually grown attached to my new journey. We will see how long I can keep it up. No promises made.

Now, I am winding down my 30 days of thankfulness. When I started this journey I never imagined I would be where I am today. I was home on bed rest and trying to look for ways to be happy about it. I was wavering on depression, and thought that finding the positives in bed rest would help. Never did I imagine I would have a two week old by the time I wrapped up this post.

Today marks the end of my 30 days. I I feel that I accomplished something big in this process and I can only hope I will continue to live through what I have already started. I have found it is something that helps my sanity and keeps me positive about our current situation.

My last bit of thankfulness is for my faith. I do believe they without my faith I wouldn't have the attitude that I have been blessed with. Now, I still cry at times and want to have a three year old meltdown, but I have to realize that it's not solving my problems. Believing that God had been kind to me and has blessed me with challenges in life only makes me stronger. I will never no why my life goes the directions it goes, but through my faith I can believe it had a purpose.

Everyday I put my faith first and know that my family is in great hands. God brought me a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters that will forever keep me on my toes. God has provided me a life that is truly amazing and at times hard, However, it is him who I believe knows my destiny.

Today, I am blessed. I know that tomorrow I will be just as blessed if not more.

THANKFUL- DAY 29

Today I am thankful for a first. Mary tried her first bottle today. Now, it wasn't like a normal bottle. This bottle was only 10 ml. However, for just doing 10, she did great. She only had to be reminded twice to breath.

I'm so proud of my little over achiever. Now, I can only hope she's closer to coming home. I go back to work January 14 which is her due date. Praying I get some full time with her!

Again, it's all been a crazy, but wonderful journey. I'm very blessed to be thankful for so much!

THANKFUL- DAY 28

Today I am thankful for an organization that has been a huge part if my life. I'm thankful for my sorority that I joined in the Fall of 1996. Zeta Tau Alpha has been an organization that gave me some of my best friends.

In college I was introduced to an instant group of girls that mean the world to me. When you pledge an organization like Zeta, you are told from the beginning how you have made friends for a lifetime. As a freshman you don't understand that meaning, but as college goes on you begin to understand.

Through this journey with Mary I have had the support of so many of my pledge sisters and other sisters who have fought this battle as well. Just hearing their stories has made this journey easy. I'm blessed to have the encouragement and understanding of so many. I'm also blessed for just the support of my sisters. The many inbox messages and post mean the world to me.

Thankful doesn't do enough when you say Zeta is for life!

ZLAM!

THANKFUL- DAY 27

This is a short one today. I'm thankful for lunch dates with my husband! Yesterday we went and ate Sushi! It was the best Sushi I had in a long time. I know it's minor, but it was nice just to have us time!

I love my husband, and I love our lunch dates!!

THANKFUL- DAY 26

Today I am thankful for my work family. This picture is a small portion of the many friends I have made over the years of working at Shawnee Trail!

Shawnee Trail has provided me with so many friends that have been such a strong support system! I wish I could name everyone, but my cup runs over with so many!

I know the next few weeks will go by fast, and I'll have to return to work. We don't know Mary's time frame, so I'll have to be prepared for anything. I know that my return to work will be supported by all my friends. They will be the system that will get me through each day!

Again, it's amazing how wonderful my school family is. I do miss my daily chats, and can't wait to make my daily rounds!!

THANKFUL- DAY 25

Today is my mom's birthday. I'm very thankful for her. She has been a huge help the past few months. I'm very blessed for all she does and the love she shares with our family.

Happy birthday mom!

THANKFUL- DAY 24

Today I'm thankful for the healthy little fighter I have. Mary is 3 pounds 5 ounces today! Back to birth weight! She is taking over an ounce of milk at each feed. Today they had to stretch it over an hour to get her to digest it better. She has little episodes called Brady's. These are little things where she has to be reminded to breath. She's dealing with a little acid reflux, but overall is doing great! I'm so proud of her!

I also got to go to a birthday party with Maggie today. We had a a great time shopping and hanging out together!

What a great day had by all!!

THANKFUL- DAY 23

Today I am thankful for medicine. Well, we will see. It hasn't started working yet, so cross your fingers that it does. My body is revolting and I itch like crazy.

It is all worth it for my sweet baby who is here safely! Love both my little girls!

THANKFUL-DAY 22

Today I am thankful for the gift of time. God has blessed me with two precious little girls that I now get to share my time with.

On Tuesday I took the day to go to the mall and have a playdate with Maggie. We ha so much fun. With me being in bed rest the past 6 weeks and a week on the hospital, Maggie was really feeling my absence. She has told everyone how mommy is home. I know it's been a hard time in her, so I'm doing what I can to be with her.

With Mary now here and spending time in the NICU, we are really having to figure out our time. While we want to spend every minute with her, that is not a possibility. It's not good for her, for Maggie or for us. It's a balance we are adjusting too.

In the NICU they encourage you to come and hold your baby twice a day for 3 hours each. While you think that is easy, it's harder to accomplish. Then as a parent you feel guilty for thinking you can't give 3 hours. However, you have to let go and do what you can.

We have worked out a little schedule with me being off work. I go in the mornings and spend my time with Mary. In the evenings Jack gets his time in, and I stay home with Maggie. We get the best of both worlds. You can tell both girls need our time.

Again, on the Thanksgiving day I am so fortunate for my gift of time. I got to snuggle with both girls this morning. I got my Maggie time in before I came to snuggle with Mary.

It's so hard to let time take over. However, it's a gift that I have to value and respect.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. May today you be given the gift of time to spend with your loved ones.

THANKFUL- DAY 21

Today I am thankful for the gift of life. My two little girls would not be here today of it weren't for the gift we have been given.

THANKFUL- DAY 20

Today I have to be thankful for what will be life long friends thanks to SFA. In college Jack and I met two wonderful people that we can now say will be forever friends. You always know how much you can depend on people when they will drop anything and be there for you.

Annie and Distin have been a precious gift. After spending so much time in college together, we have continued the bond through life. Annie and Dustin haven't ever lived close, but have always remained close in our hearts. We might go months without talking or seeing each other, but we can always find time to catch up.

The best part is we have children who are really close in age and can share a special bond together that I hope last a lifetime. Annie is due in February with her second child and him and Mary will be forever close as well. I can't wait to see their friendship develop.

It's amazing the people God directs us toward in life. Who would have thought two college couples dating would end up closer than ever. I thank him every day for each one of my blessings. Annie, Dustin, Camden, and new baby brother we are forever blessed by your friendship and love!

THANKFUL - DAY 19

Mary's Story: On May 8, 2012 I decided I would take a pregnancy test. It was one of those things that I decided to do without telling Jack. I had lots of problems leading up to trying for a second kid, that I wasn't sure anything was going to happen. That night we got some good news or so we thought. The next week I had a follow up doctors visit to have a sono done. My doctor was looking for other things that were causing me to have complications. When I went in for the sono, I told the guy I thought I was pregnant so he looked and couldn't find anything. I was devastated, and had to text Jack the sad news. However, my doctor had me take another test and did blood work. I got the call the next day that my blood was good and I was in fact pregnant. She also stated that at this time I needed to start taking pegestarone supplements. At this time we figured this would be the only complication that we would encounter. Man, was I wrong. After a few weeks of waiting we were able to finally get in to the doctor again to get a sono picture and see the heartbeat. Wow, what an amazing thing to see. After weeks of worry our prayers had been answered. So, we officially were able to announce to our family we were expecting. Right after this announcement my second complication started up. I began to experience morning sickness. When I was pregnant with Maggie I didn't have anything wrong, so this was all new to me. It was just another bump in the road, but each day gave me the satisfaction that I was still pregnant. So, our long journey was really beginning!Things had been going great, other than being so sick. I was learning to tolerate it and I had to start back to work. I got into my school year and things were going great. On Labor Day weekend things changed. We had a pretty good Labor Day weekend and had done a lot. That Monday we went to the mall and out to dinner with friends. As I was eating dinner I started to get sick. I went to the bathroom to discover that I had started to bleed. We called the doctor and got sent to Labor and Delivery immediately. Once at Labor and Delivery, they hooked us up to the monitor and discovered that baby girl was doing fine. We had no answers to our bleeding question and were sent home to follow up with the doctor. Later that week we still didn't have any real answers other than the fact it was just something that happened. The next weekend we ended up with the same issue again. Again, back to Labor and Delivery we went to discover we were still in the clear. At this time we were very frustrated not knowing what was wrong. The following weekend, we had been at a friends birthday party and things started looking bad again. This time we were admitted over night for observations. What in the world was happening? We had no clue. We meet with a Fetal Medicine Doctor who came in to explain that I had a blood pocket that was attached to the placenta and was bleeding out. This was the first time we had real answers. We knew at this time what the risk were, and I had to take it easy. I could still work, but had to sit and not do much while I was working. Once I got home, it was the same thing. For me, this was going to be hard. Later that week things had been going really good. I figured I was following the rules, and doing what I needed to do. Well, baby girl had other plans. I started to bleed while at work. I waited a few hours and then called the doctor. She and my team sent me home to rest and follow up in their office with a sono. From that point I was sent over to Labor and Delivery for an overnight stay. From there, I was put on bed rest. My world was done! That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I am not the type of person to walk away from things, or sit around and watch others. However, this was my life for what I had planned for weeks. Over the next few weeks I saw my high risk doctor and my OB weekly. I was really enjoying my trips out of my house. The visits with my doctor were great. Jack really had to step up to the plate and take on a big roll. He was not only my rock, but he was the person who had to do everything. We had so many friends and family who did a lot as well. It was so nice to have so many people who help take care of us. This was our life for the past 6 weeks. To begin week 7 of bed rest things were going fine. I was in a routine, Maggie was doing good, and things seemed to be on track. Monday was a normal day for me and things seemed to be good. Early Tuesday morning Maggie woke us up around 1:30 complaining of a stomach ache. We got her out of bed, went to the bathroom, and she seemed fine. I on the other hand was wide awake. I had a hard time going to sleep and started watching TV. Around 3:15 Maggie woke up again and I took her to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom myself and made my way back into bed. At 3:40 I was laying in bed and coughed. I felt this weird sensation, and slowly made my way out of bed. It was at that moment I knew my water had broke. I yelled for Jack to wake up and we called the doctor. She sent us immediately to the hospital. From there our lives were forever changed. Once we got to the hospital they ran a test and hooked us up to the monitors. The test confirmed that my water had broke, so I was going to be admitted. Around 9 something that day, my doctor came by and did a check and a sono. Baby was looking great, so I received a steroid shot to help develop her lungs. At this time we were told she could come anywhere from today up until 3 weeks. So, we prayed for the later. Tuesday turned out to be a restful day. I just had to lay around and wait for what was to come. Wednesday morning I woke up very sick. I had been given some medicine through the night to help me sleep, and it didn't agree with me. However, I slept most of the day and was feeling good. I received my next round of shots which was very hopeful. This was what baby girl needed. On Thursday morning I woke up very emotional and feeling some pain. Jack was leaving for work and I knew he wasn't staying the night with me. We had decided it would be best for him to be home with Maggie. I had a very hard day and was very upset most of it. I tried really hard to relax, and just be patient. However the pain I was feeling was getting worse. I few times that day I was put on some monitors to watch for contractions. None were found and baby looked good. I just kept thinking something was up. That night Jack and Maggie came by for a visit and a few others as well. Everyone was home by 9 and I was still feeling those pains. Around 9:30 I received my first dose of pain meds. The pains kept getting worse, so they brought me in my Ambien to sleep and told me it was just round ligament pains. I knew it was something more. At 11:00 I got a dose of pain meds through my IV. What ever this was knocked me out. However, I kept waking up and the pain was worse. At 1:45 in the morning my nurse came in to check my cervix. I was at a 4. The next thing I knew I was getting oxygen, calling Jack and getting an epidural. Over the next few hours I had no clue what really went on. Jack came to the hospital immediately and began to work. Why he had to work I don't know. I slept and rested peacefully at this point. Finally, I was told to sit up and push. The next few hours were a blur. I remember only pushing twice and Mary was born. The took her and started to clean her up. I got to hold her for a few seconds before she was whisked off to the NICU. Jack went with her and got to see her get cleaned up and assessed. Maggie got to come up to the hospital and be part of me being moved to the post partum room. It was fun because she got to push the button that plays the music to tell everyone a baby is born. I was so excited she got to be part of it. After getting settled in we finally got to go down and meet our new angel. For some reason Mary has wanted to be part of this world for a while now. Our 3 pound 5 ounce baby girl has come bouncing into this world and has been doing great. We have a long journey ahead of us. Mary will have goals that she has to master in order to get to go home. As of now she is strong and very sassy as the nurses say. We get to go twice a day and hold her, change her diaper, and just spend some time with her. The hardest part is having Maggie at home who can't go with us for that time. We are going to have to work out a schedule to fit everyone's needs. We are a family of 4 now and can't be happier. Today I am so thankful for the safe arrival and the success of my sweet new baby! Mary is so strong and makes my heart so complete.

THANKFUL- DAY 18

In our journey this pregnancy we have been seen by so many different doctors and nurses. Today I am thankful for all the care and support that I have received through this journey. Now, my care and support is being passed on to sweet Mary. The NICU nurses and doctors have been do gracious the past three days, that I can't explain it.

Today we had to leave our little girl and I cried. However, I know she is in good hands and is in the best place ever.

Each day will be a new day and Mary Elizabeth will grow strong and healthy.

THANKFUL-DAY 17

Today I am thankful for my family and friends. It's been a crazy last few months, but our new addition makes life wonderful. Jack, Maggie and I are so blessed to have so much wonderful support. We know we couldn't do this with our all of you.

THANKFUL-DAY 16

Mary Elizabeth Martin made her way into the world at 4:54 a.m. This morning.

Mary weighed 3 lbs 5 0zs.
16 1/2 inches long.

Big sister Maggie got to come by and celebrate Nary's birthday. We are so blessed that she is here and healthy..